nope not pregnant

This cycle was one of the hardest we've had. T spent the week before we could test laid up in bed. She couldn't eat, she couldn't move, she was wiped out and although we didn't logically think she would have morning sickness being one week pregnant we still got our hopes up. We took a test last Thursday am and it was negative, we both  tried to sort of shrug it off and went to work as normal. Bad Idea. By the end of the day both of us were a mess. When I got home T had made dinner ( a new recipe) that was disgusting so we opted for fast food and ice cream. We talked a bit about how we were bummed but then proceeded to watch a reality TV show about babies being born in the hospital (another terrible idea!).  I cried a little during the show but when the baby was born (It was a show on the BBC so it literally showed everything) T burst into tears and we both had a little cry. I think I did a good job of comforting her that night and not making it about myself. I know we both had gotten our hopes up and it just seemed right. Well we are on the other side again and will inseminate again this weekend. At this point we are on cycle number three so after this we only have three more months of at home insemination's and then we will probably be going the IUI route. 
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is how much the Internet makes everything seem perfect these days. I know at least on my fb I only post happy stuff, cute pictures, or special occasions. If you read my fb it would seem as if I am the happiest person on the planet. I had a friend (who I use to talk to in real life but is now only a fb friend) call me the other day and tell me how she is now in a lesbian relationship. This is not the first one of our friends to come to us when they have become "gay" or decides to date a woman for the first time. We often come in contact with these friends that think just because you are with a woman life must be great. You will communicate so easily with each other. You will have your best friend with you all the time. This friend in particular wanted me to help her with some relationship issues (these were not issues that were typical for just a lesbian relationship). I found this laughable because I have only been in one relationship my whole life and I am really the wrong person to ask about dating and the ins and out of dealing with exes, but apparently because I am gay I should have some insight on this.  And although T is my best friend, I don't think our relationship is any different than any other couple (heterosexual or not) that has their ups and downs. It takes a lot of work and a lot of communication to make a relationship work. Struggling down this road towards parenthood has been trying and will continue to test us. We are not any happier because we are gay. Life is Hard and it takes work! There are good days, great days, sad days, and really bad days.  I don't want to seem ungrateful when friends come to us for advice because that's what friends are for. I just have such a hard time with people (friends) pigeonholing me because I'm gay. 
In other news my counselor said that I am a little more sensitive than the average person. Not that I didn't already know this but boy was it a relief to have it confirmed! She also said there is nothing wrong with that! Woo-hoo!  

Liebster Award!

My blogger buddy  Risa from Who Shot down my Stork? nominated me for Liebster award!  I am very excited to share a little bit about myself and to nominate other bloggers. Thanks Risa! 

Here are the LIebster details! 

This award is given to new or up-and coming-bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. What a fun way to get to know other bloggers!

If you receive a nomination, there are a few rules to follow:

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

.3) Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.

5) Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

So here goes nothing! 

11 things about me

1.    I am really looking forward to the hot date night that my wife and have planned for this Saturday night. What does it include? A movie and a trip to the mall for new socks and underwear. Not like sexy underwear just regular underwear. We really know how to live it up!
2.          My wife is a vegetarian so we eat vegetarian at home but one of my most favorite foods are hot dogs.
3.         I played the clarinet for 7 years growing up. I am still not sure I actually was playing it the correct way.
4.    For the first six years of my relationship with T I never did a load of my own laundry, not even once. I now help fold it and put it away.
5.         I have not put a relaxer (chemical straightener) in my hair since July and I am hoping to never do it again. I am embracing my curls!
6.    I have seen every episode of Law and Order SVU at least 5 times. I am obsessed with that show and it has now transferred over to both regular L&O and Criminal Intent.
7.     I am obsessed with nail polish. I only purchase Essie and Opi and have over 75 bottles. I probably paint my nails at least 3x a week.
8.     While at counseling last week I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. Which for me means it was at least a week before! I was so proud of myself.
9.     Three years ago I “broke up” with a best friend of mine for dumb reasons. In the last year I have reconnected with her and am so grateful that she didn’t shrug me off for my stupidity.
10.         I am in love with Mt. Dew.
11.           I want to be a spy when I grow up. Like Alias or Nikita. This is not a joke.

My questions from Risa!

1. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas! I love how everyone is so cheery around the holiday season.

2. Are you a morning person or night owl? I want to say night owl just because I love owls but I think I’m more of a mid day person. I don’t like the extreme either way.

3. What was the greatest moment of your life? The greatest moment of my life was watching my wife walk down the aisle to me. I burst into tears. I literally thought I was unlovable for many years and I think that moment in front of our friends and family I felt so loved!

4. Why do you blog? I blog to get my emotions about this crazy baby making journey out. It has helped me tremendously in even this short while!

5. What is your favorite waste of time? P*nterest!

6. What is your favorite book or movie? Favorite book is “She’s come undone” by Wally Lamb and Favorite movie is “The Bodyguard”---I’m not really a movie person so that’s just been my go to for the last fifteen years or so!

7. When was the last time you cried?  Last Friday when I realized with my schedule I won’t be able to see my counselor until March.

8. What causes are you passionate about? Gay rights

9. What did you want to be when you grew up? I really wanted to work at McDonald’s! And then a lawyer and a teacher and if you read my other answers I still want to be a spy!

10. Beer, wine, or hard liqueur? Neither. I probably drink twice a year so Mt. Dew it is for me!

11. What was the most important lesson you have learned in life? Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. It takes all kinds of kinds to make up this world.

Here are my 11 questions for my nominees!

1.       When was your first kiss and who was it with?
2.        Do people in your “real” life know about your blog?
3.        What is your favorite sport?
4.        What is your favorite TV show and why?
5.         If you could be any fruit what would you be?
6.         What does your best day look like? (money is no object)
7.          Top three songs
8.          What would you say is your most annoying habit?
9.       Sun or Snow?
10.        What have you done that you are most proud of?
11. .      Favorite breakfast food?

   And my nominees are:

1.         http://infertilityheartbreakblog.wordpress.com/
2.        http://pepibebe.wordpress.com/
3.       http://createdfamily.com/
4.       http://infertileinafertileland.blogspot.in/
5.      http://www.rollercoasterridetoparenthood.blogspot.com/

    That's all the bloggers I can think of right now but I will keep my eye out for more. 

  

     We are still in our 2ww over here so send us all your good vibes! 

Waiting

I am still spending this time waiting anxiously over the next two weeks but I have really enjoyed writing down my thoughts here so I'm checking in again.

-After going to dinner with my friend K (the one who I avoided for four months after finding out about her pregnancy) I decided to help plan her baby shower. This may be a very bad idea especially since the shower is going to be at my house and I can't back out if I get too anxious. Putting my big kid panties on! 

-I logged on to one of my gossip websites today and realized this lady is having a baby!

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/01/23/chely-wright-pregnant-expecting-identical-twins/

I am excited for her. I watched her documentary Chely Wright : Wish Me Away Trailer

 and saw how hard it was for her to come out so I am glad that she is getting to live her authentic life! Also my two favorite lesbians from "The real l word" are having a baby as well! After suffering miscarriages and the death of their first child I am so excited for the two of them! That is enough of my congratulating famous people that have no idea who I am! 

I had counseling again last week.  We spent time talking about why I care so much about what people think about me. My counselor had me discuss what I really think people think about me. It was ugly stuff that I can't bring myself to write here but when I vocalized it I realized just how far down in the dumps I have gone. Her face seemed amazed that I felt these things about myself and she (of course) reassured me that not one of those things are true or is something that she has thought about me. I'm sure I'll have to revisit that soon. 

We also talked about what the absolute worst case scenario is for T and I. Of course my worst case scenario is that we never have kids and then we separate and I end up alone. My counselor wants me to think about this and realize that even if that happens I will still be okay! I guess if I can rectify those feelings than right now my anxiety will subside because I know I will be okay. I'm still not sure about that but I did discuss it with T and I felt overwhelmed just talking about it so I'll put that on the To Do List as well! 

Also I was nominated for a Liebster award! 

What's a Liebster?

Someone actually is reading this thing! I plan to post my responses to the Liebster and my nominations this week! Thanks Risa (http://whoshotdownmystork.blogspot.com/)! 

What I've done since I last blogged

•  I did not put my big girl panties on and  go to the baby shower.  On Saturday morning when I woke up I just knew I couldn't do it. I feel terrible and  I am meeting my friends this weekend to give them the present for their new baby but I am still bummed that I couldn't suck it up to support them. 
• I was a big bum that whole weekend but I did make it to dinner with my friend on Monday. It was  great to see her and her belly and the baby's room which is decorated in owls.  We had a really nice dinner and I got to hear all about the baby stuff. I had intended to apologize for my absence the last 5 months (yes 5 months!) but they didn't really make a big deal of it so it never came up. I was glad to but at the same time  I really wanted to bring bring up so they would know what T and I have been up to but also  part of me has been trying to sort of get out of my feelings as my sister would say. I get very emotional about everything and I'm trying to change that. I spend all this time feeling sorry  for myself and complaining about my life when I really am so incredibly lucky.
•  Wednesday we celebrated T's 29th birthday with yummy Indian food and family and friends. This is the 10th birthday that I that I've spent with T. 10 is a lot of birthdays to celebrate with someone and I'm so grateful and lucky to have the partner that I do. I've been thinking about other people that have dreams for a home and a job and a partner and I'm so blessed to have all those things. I really feel lucky and special to be where I am.
• That being said of course I'm still down about not having a baby.  We inseminated at 6 o'clock in the morning today in  dark parking lot. yes that's true . I looked at my wife and I thought to myself "wow, this is insane".  I told her I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone but her. I don't know if I could find anyone else to go with me to a dark parking lot in the middle of P-town and do a quick insemination before work. 
•   It's a journey that we are  on and part of it is hard and I am  struggling but boy am I lucky to be here and that's what I'm grateful for.
• So Now we Wait 2 weeks. The cycle continues! 

Santa Didn't leave us an Extra Christmas Present

So we got another negative pregnancy test yesterday. I am in a funk about that. That’s all for now about that.

We did get some great news about our sperm donor’s semen analysis though. It came back off the charts so we are very excited about that. His numbers are so high that they don’t even need us to test him a second time without him abstaining. That’s a little money we get to put back in the baby account!

T and I are having dinner with a pregnant friend next week. This friend is very close to us and I have been terrible at supporting her since finding out news of her pregnancy.  She sent T and I a text with a picture of the pregnancy test and said, “Well this is happening…” T and I had just got a negative test the week before and I was a little bummed still. This was not a planned pregnancy for them but they very much were happy about it. I had a hard time adjusting to the idea. I have cancelled no less then 4 times on them since finding out the news. I haven’t even seen her since they found out they were expecting. I didn’t even know what she was naming the little baby until I found out on fb. I feel so bad for missing out on these special moments with a friend. She doesn’t know that T and I have been trying for the last 14 months so she has no idea why I’ve been pulling back from her. I am determined to not cancel on her this time and am looking forward to seeing her little belly. 

At my counseling appointment last week I discussed this with my counselor and she reassured me that my feelings were okay.  I think the reason counseling works for me is because I like to talk about my feelings and just get validation that what I am feeling is okay and that I’m not a terrible person. I hope to one day be able to provide this validation to myself.

T and I are also going to a baby shower this weekend to celebrate the baby of another one of our friends. We are so very happy for this couple and even made them a baby mobile for the little lady to come! This will be the first baby shower that I have been to since T and I started trying. My counselor recommended that T and I plan something for after the shower to avoid just going home and having a meltdown. I am taking T to a new restaurant for dinner. We use to go to new restaurants all the time and I have really missed doing that so both the shower and the dinner will make for a good Saturday.

At this point I am just tired and sad about not being pregnant this time. It’s a tricky situation because the pregnancy is not happening in T’s body but I feel this heartache as if It’s me that’s failing at this. I can’t explain the heartache that I feel and the feeling that something is missing in our lives. If I could be more supportive and make her life less stressful then maybe we’d have a baby. Or if I could not get so worked up about it then maybe…. Or If I could buy the right ovulation tests….or look up this information then maybe….  I really got my  hopes up this time  and was thinking about  how great it would have been to have  made a baby on Christmas. I  really want to enjoy the life that we have now (sleeping in on the weekends, staying in the house all day and sewing and reading, going to a late night movie, or trying out a new restaurant) but I want so bad to snuggle a little one and decorate a nursery and just be a mama.  I feel like I am living frozen in one place. Going day after day doing the same thing all the while waiting for something great to happen.

My hopes for 2013

This evening I am at work. I have been working more and more lately to try and save money for Baby P. I sometimes work 60 plus hours a week but I am hoping it will all be worth it in the end.  My wishes for 2013 are very big. 

• I wish to be a better wife. I can legally marry T now and I want so much to be better for her. 2012 brought 6 months of physical separation (T finished a job and I moved back home to look for a new one) and with that a huge adjustment period and lots of changes in our relationship. I have become much more independent than I use to be and I am hoping to continue that work. I hope to continue to encourage T in all of her hopes and aspirations. She is my biggest cheerleader and I want to be the same for her. I am blessed to have her.  I want to work hard on remembering that and not taking it for granted. 
• I hope to make my nanny agency fully on board and also hire some other nannies to work underneath me. 
• -I hope to continue my new love of sewing and get better at it. I also hope to become more patient and more of a perfectionist. I would like to make quality things. 
• -I hope to get out and enjoy life more. I want to not cancel on friends/plans. I would like to go out to new restaurants and maybe go whitewater rafting again this summer. I hope that I get to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. 
• -Last but definitely not least I want more than anything to be blessed with a baby this year. I want to become a family. I want to see T be a mommy. While we may not end 2013 with a baby being born (although I'd love that), I'd love to at least have a baby in T's belly. I want to be a Mama. 

Today T and I visited a friends new baby boy. He is two weeks old and an absolute doll. T and I spent an hour passing this precious thing back and forth. The friend remarked that we needed a baby. I was so proud of myself for not spilling all of my thoughts right then. I wouldn't really have cared but T is more private and likes to keep our story to herself. This is something I also have to work on. When I'm anxious or uncomfortable I am a blabber mouth. Even when I can tell that i'm making people uncomfortable I keep talking. I suppose I'll add that to my list. After we left the new baby and went home, It was snowing. It was a wonderful drive home but I was in a funk. T even asked if I wanted to go for a walk in the snow. It reminded me of when we were just friends 9 years ago and on a summer night  we sat out in the rain. That's when I fell in love with her. I remember sitting next to her and just realizing that I was in love with my best friend. But today  I said no to the walk and went to bed and took a nap.   I sometimes let it all get to me so fast and I'm trying not to get to worked up  during this 2ww but we are halfway done with it and my nerves are a wreck. I have another counseling appointment on Wednesday and I'm hoping that will help.

Baby Clothes and A Crib

So yesterday T and I were taking a load of books and clothes to a charity drop off truck. You have to unload your stuff and it must fit inside the container. Well some people had dropped off some stuff before us that was to big for the container and just left it outside. I have to justify this because why else would I take a crib that was left for a donation center? So now T and I have a lovely wooden crib in our garage for our as of yet uncreated baby. Call us crazy but I love it! 

Also when I was in the garage yesterday I took out our rubbermaid container of baby clothes. They are all unisex clothes. Different animal jumpers, bug bibs and of course the star fleece baby cozy that started it all. This actually brought no tears of sadness to my eyes. I enjoyed looking at the hopes and dreams that T and I have for a child that we do not have yet. 

We have had a number of friends and family recently become pregnant/or have their fourth or in one case even 7th baby! I have to admit that it is a little bit uncomfortable for me to say the least. I want so badly  to have just one and seven just seems like rubbing it in! Sometimes I feel a little Bah Humbug about it all.