My hopes for 2013

This evening I am at work. I have been working more and more lately to try and save money for Baby P. I sometimes work 60 plus hours a week but I am hoping it will all be worth it in the end.  My wishes for 2013 are very big. 

• I wish to be a better wife. I can legally marry T now and I want so much to be better for her. 2012 brought 6 months of physical separation (T finished a job and I moved back home to look for a new one) and with that a huge adjustment period and lots of changes in our relationship. I have become much more independent than I use to be and I am hoping to continue that work. I hope to continue to encourage T in all of her hopes and aspirations. She is my biggest cheerleader and I want to be the same for her. I am blessed to have her.  I want to work hard on remembering that and not taking it for granted. 
• I hope to make my nanny agency fully on board and also hire some other nannies to work underneath me. 
• -I hope to continue my new love of sewing and get better at it. I also hope to become more patient and more of a perfectionist. I would like to make quality things. 
• -I hope to get out and enjoy life more. I want to not cancel on friends/plans. I would like to go out to new restaurants and maybe go whitewater rafting again this summer. I hope that I get to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. 
• -Last but definitely not least I want more than anything to be blessed with a baby this year. I want to become a family. I want to see T be a mommy. While we may not end 2013 with a baby being born (although I'd love that), I'd love to at least have a baby in T's belly. I want to be a Mama. 

Today T and I visited a friends new baby boy. He is two weeks old and an absolute doll. T and I spent an hour passing this precious thing back and forth. The friend remarked that we needed a baby. I was so proud of myself for not spilling all of my thoughts right then. I wouldn't really have cared but T is more private and likes to keep our story to herself. This is something I also have to work on. When I'm anxious or uncomfortable I am a blabber mouth. Even when I can tell that i'm making people uncomfortable I keep talking. I suppose I'll add that to my list. After we left the new baby and went home, It was snowing. It was a wonderful drive home but I was in a funk. T even asked if I wanted to go for a walk in the snow. It reminded me of when we were just friends 9 years ago and on a summer night  we sat out in the rain. That's when I fell in love with her. I remember sitting next to her and just realizing that I was in love with my best friend. But today  I said no to the walk and went to bed and took a nap.   I sometimes let it all get to me so fast and I'm trying not to get to worked up  during this 2ww but we are halfway done with it and my nerves are a wreck. I have another counseling appointment on Wednesday and I'm hoping that will help.

Baby Clothes and A Crib

So yesterday T and I were taking a load of books and clothes to a charity drop off truck. You have to unload your stuff and it must fit inside the container. Well some people had dropped off some stuff before us that was to big for the container and just left it outside. I have to justify this because why else would I take a crib that was left for a donation center? So now T and I have a lovely wooden crib in our garage for our as of yet uncreated baby. Call us crazy but I love it! 

Also when I was in the garage yesterday I took out our rubbermaid container of baby clothes. They are all unisex clothes. Different animal jumpers, bug bibs and of course the star fleece baby cozy that started it all. This actually brought no tears of sadness to my eyes. I enjoyed looking at the hopes and dreams that T and I have for a child that we do not have yet. 

We have had a number of friends and family recently become pregnant/or have their fourth or in one case even 7th baby! I have to admit that it is a little bit uncomfortable for me to say the least. I want so badly  to have just one and seven just seems like rubbing it in! Sometimes I feel a little Bah Humbug about it all. 

Don't get your hopes up.

My wife said the funniest/saddest thing to me last night.  As I was perusing P*interest I stopped and looked at a DIY crib sheet item. I started thinking how cool that would be to make sheets out of whatever fabric you wanted. T said to me, "I don't want you to get too planny planny,  just because we got a new donor and everything doesn't mean it's going to work this time. I don't want you to get your hopes up." When I write this it sounds snarky but really the way she said it was so sweet and kind to me. She really doesn't want me to be sad if this doesn't work again. I feel so bad for being sad sometimes because I know that it may overshadow her sadness as well. In our lives together it seems that there is only room for one of us to be sad at a time (and to be honest most of the time it's me). I know T is having a hard time dealing with her emotions and helping me manage mine on top of it must not help at all. I am hoping now that I am going to therapy it will take some of the burden off of her.

Another reason this was funny is because I have always been a planning/dreaming type. Before I met T I dreamed of falling in love. When I would make a wish in a pond or on a shooting star I always wished for someone to love me. I would have these pretend documentaries in my head where I would fall in love and have a wedding and live life happily ever after. On long drives I would imagine all the wonderful things that would happen once I fell in love.  And although my life is not perfect I truly believe that part of the reason T and I are so blessed is because I wished so HARD for it. I spoke it into existence to say the least. I have been doing this for the past year about our baby dreams and for a little bit that dripped off. I stopped speaking my wish for a child because I thought I was jinxing it. I want more than anything to go in my garage and look at the box of baby clothes but I feel if I do I will jinx any chance of a Baby to come. I realistically am aware that this is not how life works but a little part of me thinks just maybe. If I did it before...I can do it again. So I'm sorry wife but my hopes are already up.

Christmas

This was T and I in a parking lot on Christmas Eve. The money was to give our donor for a semen analysis test. The rest of the items were useful too. :-).  We had to leave Xmas eve to meet up with our donor. It really was a great way to spend Christmas!  It will be fun to think that our baby could be made on Christmas!

I think I am hopeful this cycle. A new donor and meeting with our midwife has restored some of my hope and of course the fact that we just gave him 220.00 for a semen analysis. It seems fitting to me that we would get pregnant after we paid for a semen analysis that will be useless to us if we are pregnant. Although it will be beneficial to us if we don't get pregnant this time and if we didn't do it now we would have to wait two weeks and then who knows how long it would take him to get in so we just decided to do it now. It could be the best 220 we've ever wasted! So we are officially in the 2WW. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock

As for  Christmas T and I had a wonderful time with both of our families. We weren't home last christmas and it was so sad.  There  is just nothing that beats a room full of people that you love and that love you! And I was really excited at all the presents we made for people this year. It seems like everyone liked them. T and I are hoping for a new baby in 2013.

Donor Talk

Unfortunately the donor T and I were using moved out of the country for a fantastic job offer. While we were happy for him we were sad that we'd have to go back to the starting board in finding a new donor.

We have contemplated different things when looking for a donor.  We would love to have a family member of mine donate but I don't have anyone in my family that is comfortable with the idea of donating to T and I. It seems as if it is  a little out of the "Norm" for some people and that makes me sad but I have to respect their decisions.

This left us with finding a donor willing to be contacted once our child turns 18. We'd love our child to have the opportunity to contact the donor in the future if they wish. We have heard of some children (born from sperm donation) that have no desire to contact/meet their biological father but sometimes children are curious and like to know a little bit about the person that helped create them. We'd love to facilitate that relationship if and when  our child would like that.

We could find a donor from a sperm bank that would agree to contact after the child turns 18 but to be honest the prices of sperm banks are insane. We'd love to avoid that extra cost if possible. The other things associated with TTC (sperm tests, medicines, and ovulation tests, consultations) cost quite a bit as well and we are trying to save money at this point in the case that things get much more expensive in the future.

We were able to find a donor on a donor website online. We met with him on Saturday and he was a joy to meet. He is Caucasian and has lovely blue eyes (T has amazing blue/green/gray eyes and I always look for someone that would mix with her genes and possibly end up with eyes her color). He had a great personality and seemed very willing and understanding with our TTC plan. He had a copy of a current STD test and his willing to get tested for sperm count in the next week or so.  He seems like a dream.

Right now we are waiting for T to ovulate which should happen in the next 8-10 days or so. Right around Christmas. With the timing this may prevent us from inseminating this month but both the donor and of course  us seem willing to make it work no matter how we have to sneak it in.  It is funny how insemination's start to seem part of "normal" life after awhile. We have been able to fit them in on the way to coffee or after a dinner date. It's never quite all the way  normal though,  that's for sure.

Do you wish you had a baby like E?

Yesterday while driving my nanny charge Z (4 years) and his younger sister E (8 months) to the library I had an interesting conversation with Z (I have been Z's nanny since he was 4 months old).

"Hey G?"

"Yes Bud?"

"Do you wish you had a baby like E?"

I was taken aback because I have not talked about this with Z. Although my nanny family is aware T and I are TTC because I needed to let them know about appointments and whatnot that might come up. I have discussed this with them when Z is not around or in terms that he wouldn't catch on.

"Yes I do" I replied.

"Do you dream about having a little baby like E?"

"Yes I do" I said again.  At this point I was like how is this kid reading my mind?!?

"You'll have one someday with T." He said then quickly followed that with "Hey you wanna play I spy?" and our conversation was over.

He is the sweetest guy and it just warmed my heart that he said that. Sometimes it's hard to be around kids all day when you want one so bad yourself but I wouldn't change my job for the world. I am very lucky. This morning when I asked my mom boss whether she had talked to Z about me and T having a baby she replied, "Yes, was that okay?" I said yes and she said it came up because she was telling him that she was saving all of E's clothes that are too small for her for when T and I have a baby. I almost burst into tears at this point. I have seen the clothes folded and put away in the garage but I thought they were waiting for a run to Goodwill. Not the case. These are clothes that my boss is saving for the hope that T and I will someday have a baby.

In the nanny world there is much talk about being a homosexual and being a nanny. Will parents frown on it? Is it something you should tell your nanny family? I have always been the nanny that is probably too close to her nanny family but I do practice a somewhat professional relationship with my nanny families. I am not friends with them on FB nor do I text them or hang out with them on the weekend. With  that being said, they all know I am gay and as far as I can tell they are all okay with it. I speak of T and our lives together just like any other married couple would. I have even had T come along to my current job and past jobs when it's going to be a late night and if she want's to get in some baby snuggle time.  I know that I may not look like the "typical" lesbian or even wear my "gayness" on my sleeve but I do make it a point to NEVER hide the life I live.  Z and my current family came to my wedding to T and he still remembers the yummy punch he had at the wedding. I am lucky that my child will be brought into a community of family and friends that we have created that will welcome him/her with open arms.

Counseling and Insemination Consultation

So Monday was the big day. Usually when I start with a new therapy I have  a huge amount of anxiety and I typically talk myself out of going. Monday morning T went off to work and I spent the next three hours until my appointment debating on whether or not I was actually going to go to the appointment. I ended up going and I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as I left that hour long appointment! It is so amazing to be able to talk and have someone say things like, "I can see why you feel that way because..." It's like a light bulb went off in my head and I feel so much better about the way I feel and I am okay with being who I am. I obviously have tons of stuff to work on still but I am so grateful for that little bit of hope that was restored in me.  There was another thing that stood out to me as well. The counselor said to me that our baby sounds like she/he is so wanted and will be so loved. I love when other people can see that. I also discussed the fact that T and I had purchased a little fleece star coat for our future baby almost 8 years ago. It has since been placed in a box with little clothes that we  have seen that we thought a Baby P would love. This helped me realize that although we have only been actively trying for the last year, we have wanted this for 8 years and so (for me at least) it seems like we have been doing this forever.

After my counseling appointment T came home from work and we were off for an Insemination Consultation. Our thinking was that we were going to go and discuss options for inseminations at the office and etc. After talking to the midwife for an hour (who is a lesbian and just had her first child from artificial insemination as well) she thinks that we can still conceive at home and encouraged us to try at home for at least three months and 6 if possible. We are committed to 6 months. Not only will this allow us to create a baby in the way that we wanted to (at home) it will also allow us to continue to save money if this journey becomes much longer.  For some reason finally talking to someone and seeing a success story at that was inspiring for me. At both places I got to tell my story and how I am feeling about not being able to carry a child and also about not getting a second opinion before I had my procedure. I was glad to get that out of me.

At the midwives office T and I were sitting on this couch/futon thing and we were talking about what we've been doing and the midwife asked me a question that really got me thinking. She asked me "Since you will not be carrying the baby and the baby will have a mom (T). What will you do or what do you need to do to feel as if you are mom as well?" Before I began to answer that question T reached over and placed her hand on my leg and gave me a squeeze. Instantly in my heart I felt better about this statement. I haven't spent much time thinking about the connection that I will build with the baby that will be separate from the one T will have as she will grow the baby in her body.  For me it is going to be the snuggling with the baby, hopefully breastfeeding the baby, and also doing her laundry. I know that I will probably sing to the baby more and maybe that will be a special bond between us. I am so hopeful that 2013 will be the year that we are parents and I am looking forward to that so much.

Thanksgiving

This Year T and I decided to go to the beach on our own for Thanksgiving. Typically we spend our Thanksgiving with my family and stop in and see some of T's family as well. Last year in Hawaii we didn't have that luxury and I cooked the two of us a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings (minus a Turkey since T is a vegetarian and even I can't eat a whole Turkey). That was the best Thanksgiving ever! It really gave us a chance just to spend the whole day with each other with no interruptions. We didn't even get out of our pajamas (or poofies as my nanny family calls them! ).

This year was no different. We have made it a tradition to spend our Thanksgiving at the beach. Hopefully a different beach each year. Next year we are hoping to be back in Hawaii for the break. This year we got to the beach Wednesday afternoon and left Friday afternoon. We took Gilmore (our rottie) and spent two days catching up on Nikita and eating Thanksgiving foods to our hearts content.  It was a much needed break from the craziness of our current lives and was great to reconnect with T and our lucky lives. With everything crazy going on and my depression/sadness of not being pregnant I often forget to stop and be thankful for the wonderful life that we have been blessed with.

For the last three years we have been going from one home to another while T has finished school and then looking for a job. This is the first time in at least five years where we both have full time jobs (that we like as a bonus!) and have a home to call our home. I can not be more Thankful for that and I often am waiting for the floor to fall from under us again. We made terrible financial choices and I am so grateful to be given this second chance at a fresh start.

T and I are both blessed with amazing families and friends. We love all of them and are reminded each day of their love with texts, calls and general visits and card games! We are overwhelmingly lucky in that aspect of our lives. I am going to try and remember these things when I get in one of my funks again!

And on the baby front our midwife couldn't meet with us on Wednesday because one of her patients went into labor. This is funny because what a way to kick you in  the gut that other people are out there having babies when you are still trying. Although when I heard this I was actually excited for whoever this unknown mother was out there having a little Thanksgiving baby. I was happy that I felt this way. I have not been proud or unashamed of my jealousy and general sadness for pregnant people and I was glad that there was still a little of the happy Gwen left in there. Also I am grateful that we have found a local and small office that has to cancel appointments for that reason. I hope one day T and I are the parents that are having a baby and a midwife has to change appointments for that reason. There is still hope for us and I am looking forward to our next appointment Dec 10th. I will also be starting therapy at the beginning of December. This is long overdue for me and I am ready to start some emotional work.

I am also so excited for Christmas. It is my hands down favorite holiday. I just love everything about it and am excited to be back in the Northwest! Christmas just doesn't feel the same in 80 degree weather.

Why Now?

I have been wanting to start a blog for the last year or so. T and I started our journey for a family a little over a year ago and to be a honest I truly believed that at this time we would have a baby either in our arms or in T's tummy. 

I have been searching for some comfort everywhere I go. I have talked to pretty much everyone in my immediate circle and have gotten little to know support except from my few friends who have gone through this before. I am so grateful for them! However in the last year I have seen no less than ten of my friends become pregnant or have babies. This is something that has saddened me to no end. I am not yet comfortable with explaining my feelings of jealousy and remorse while  at the same time being  happy for my friends and family in their new baby joy! This is something that I have talked about to close family and friends and they just don't see the point.

"It takes time."

"You don't even know if anything is wrong with T."

"You should enjoy the free time you have now."

"Just relax."

I have heard all of these things and more in the past few months and each time I feel like I am going to explode. There is a certain sort of pain that just can't be explained when you see another negative pregnancy test after another long two week wait! 

  I know that counseling is in my immediate future but  I wanted to join the awesome infertility community on the world wide web too. I am hoping that my blog will give people strength and insight on situations that  may be new to them. I am also hoping to build relationships and learn from others while I continue to struggle on my journey. 

 A little about myself. I am a twenty eight year old full time nanny. I watch children from 6 months to 6 years. I have been doing this full time now for almost 5 years and I enjoy it immensely. My partner T is a Teacher. She enjoys her job as well. We have been together for nine years and have wanted children pretty much since day one of our relationship but just started in October of 2011. 

T will be carrying the child. I suffered from PCOS  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PCOS) and two years ago (after having my period for 6 months continuously) I had an Endometrial Ablation Procedure (http://women.webmd.com/endometrial-ablation-16200).

This now leaves me unable to carry a child. I am also still struggling with this. 

As of right now T and I have inseminated 12 times at home with donor sperm and are now looking to meet with a midwife and have insemination's at the office. We will have our first insemination consultation on Wed. I am beyond nervous. Through this whole process I have learned more about medical issues and fertility drugs than I ever would have thought and we have barely even touched base.  At the same time I am looking forward to taking the enormous weight of this whole process off of T and my shoulders. It has been incredibly difficult to wonder if we are doing anything wrong and I am looking forward to having someone to "report" to as it may be. 

I hope you all feel comfortable to discuss this with me here. But I do ask if you are a friend in real life that you keep our discussion here or in private. We have not yet shared our journey with everyone. 

Thank you so much!