Counseling and Insemination Consultation

So Monday was the big day. Usually when I start with a new therapy I have  a huge amount of anxiety and I typically talk myself out of going. Monday morning T went off to work and I spent the next three hours until my appointment debating on whether or not I was actually going to go to the appointment. I ended up going and I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as I left that hour long appointment! It is so amazing to be able to talk and have someone say things like, "I can see why you feel that way because..." It's like a light bulb went off in my head and I feel so much better about the way I feel and I am okay with being who I am. I obviously have tons of stuff to work on still but I am so grateful for that little bit of hope that was restored in me.  There was another thing that stood out to me as well. The counselor said to me that our baby sounds like she/he is so wanted and will be so loved. I love when other people can see that. I also discussed the fact that T and I had purchased a little fleece star coat for our future baby almost 8 years ago. It has since been placed in a box with little clothes that we  have seen that we thought a Baby P would love. This helped me realize that although we have only been actively trying for the last year, we have wanted this for 8 years and so (for me at least) it seems like we have been doing this forever.

After my counseling appointment T came home from work and we were off for an Insemination Consultation. Our thinking was that we were going to go and discuss options for inseminations at the office and etc. After talking to the midwife for an hour (who is a lesbian and just had her first child from artificial insemination as well) she thinks that we can still conceive at home and encouraged us to try at home for at least three months and 6 if possible. We are committed to 6 months. Not only will this allow us to create a baby in the way that we wanted to (at home) it will also allow us to continue to save money if this journey becomes much longer.  For some reason finally talking to someone and seeing a success story at that was inspiring for me. At both places I got to tell my story and how I am feeling about not being able to carry a child and also about not getting a second opinion before I had my procedure. I was glad to get that out of me.

At the midwives office T and I were sitting on this couch/futon thing and we were talking about what we've been doing and the midwife asked me a question that really got me thinking. She asked me "Since you will not be carrying the baby and the baby will have a mom (T). What will you do or what do you need to do to feel as if you are mom as well?" Before I began to answer that question T reached over and placed her hand on my leg and gave me a squeeze. Instantly in my heart I felt better about this statement. I haven't spent much time thinking about the connection that I will build with the baby that will be separate from the one T will have as she will grow the baby in her body.  For me it is going to be the snuggling with the baby, hopefully breastfeeding the baby, and also doing her laundry. I know that I will probably sing to the baby more and maybe that will be a special bond between us. I am so hopeful that 2013 will be the year that we are parents and I am looking forward to that so much.