Thanksgiving

This Year T and I decided to go to the beach on our own for Thanksgiving. Typically we spend our Thanksgiving with my family and stop in and see some of T's family as well. Last year in Hawaii we didn't have that luxury and I cooked the two of us a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings (minus a Turkey since T is a vegetarian and even I can't eat a whole Turkey). That was the best Thanksgiving ever! It really gave us a chance just to spend the whole day with each other with no interruptions. We didn't even get out of our pajamas (or poofies as my nanny family calls them! ).

This year was no different. We have made it a tradition to spend our Thanksgiving at the beach. Hopefully a different beach each year. Next year we are hoping to be back in Hawaii for the break. This year we got to the beach Wednesday afternoon and left Friday afternoon. We took Gilmore (our rottie) and spent two days catching up on Nikita and eating Thanksgiving foods to our hearts content.  It was a much needed break from the craziness of our current lives and was great to reconnect with T and our lucky lives. With everything crazy going on and my depression/sadness of not being pregnant I often forget to stop and be thankful for the wonderful life that we have been blessed with.

For the last three years we have been going from one home to another while T has finished school and then looking for a job. This is the first time in at least five years where we both have full time jobs (that we like as a bonus!) and have a home to call our home. I can not be more Thankful for that and I often am waiting for the floor to fall from under us again. We made terrible financial choices and I am so grateful to be given this second chance at a fresh start.

T and I are both blessed with amazing families and friends. We love all of them and are reminded each day of their love with texts, calls and general visits and card games! We are overwhelmingly lucky in that aspect of our lives. I am going to try and remember these things when I get in one of my funks again!

And on the baby front our midwife couldn't meet with us on Wednesday because one of her patients went into labor. This is funny because what a way to kick you in  the gut that other people are out there having babies when you are still trying. Although when I heard this I was actually excited for whoever this unknown mother was out there having a little Thanksgiving baby. I was happy that I felt this way. I have not been proud or unashamed of my jealousy and general sadness for pregnant people and I was glad that there was still a little of the happy Gwen left in there. Also I am grateful that we have found a local and small office that has to cancel appointments for that reason. I hope one day T and I are the parents that are having a baby and a midwife has to change appointments for that reason. There is still hope for us and I am looking forward to our next appointment Dec 10th. I will also be starting therapy at the beginning of December. This is long overdue for me and I am ready to start some emotional work.

I am also so excited for Christmas. It is my hands down favorite holiday. I just love everything about it and am excited to be back in the Northwest! Christmas just doesn't feel the same in 80 degree weather.

Why Now?

I have been wanting to start a blog for the last year or so. T and I started our journey for a family a little over a year ago and to be a honest I truly believed that at this time we would have a baby either in our arms or in T's tummy. 

I have been searching for some comfort everywhere I go. I have talked to pretty much everyone in my immediate circle and have gotten little to know support except from my few friends who have gone through this before. I am so grateful for them! However in the last year I have seen no less than ten of my friends become pregnant or have babies. This is something that has saddened me to no end. I am not yet comfortable with explaining my feelings of jealousy and remorse while  at the same time being  happy for my friends and family in their new baby joy! This is something that I have talked about to close family and friends and they just don't see the point.

"It takes time."

"You don't even know if anything is wrong with T."

"You should enjoy the free time you have now."

"Just relax."

I have heard all of these things and more in the past few months and each time I feel like I am going to explode. There is a certain sort of pain that just can't be explained when you see another negative pregnancy test after another long two week wait! 

  I know that counseling is in my immediate future but  I wanted to join the awesome infertility community on the world wide web too. I am hoping that my blog will give people strength and insight on situations that  may be new to them. I am also hoping to build relationships and learn from others while I continue to struggle on my journey. 

 A little about myself. I am a twenty eight year old full time nanny. I watch children from 6 months to 6 years. I have been doing this full time now for almost 5 years and I enjoy it immensely. My partner T is a Teacher. She enjoys her job as well. We have been together for nine years and have wanted children pretty much since day one of our relationship but just started in October of 2011. 

T will be carrying the child. I suffered from PCOS  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PCOS) and two years ago (after having my period for 6 months continuously) I had an Endometrial Ablation Procedure (http://women.webmd.com/endometrial-ablation-16200).

This now leaves me unable to carry a child. I am also still struggling with this. 

As of right now T and I have inseminated 12 times at home with donor sperm and are now looking to meet with a midwife and have insemination's at the office. We will have our first insemination consultation on Wed. I am beyond nervous. Through this whole process I have learned more about medical issues and fertility drugs than I ever would have thought and we have barely even touched base.  At the same time I am looking forward to taking the enormous weight of this whole process off of T and my shoulders. It has been incredibly difficult to wonder if we are doing anything wrong and I am looking forward to having someone to "report" to as it may be. 

I hope you all feel comfortable to discuss this with me here. But I do ask if you are a friend in real life that you keep our discussion here or in private. We have not yet shared our journey with everyone. 

Thank you so much!