I have been wanting to start a blog for the last year or so. T and I started our journey for a family a little over a year ago and to be a honest I truly believed that at this time we would have a baby either in our arms or in T's tummy.
I have been searching for some comfort everywhere I go. I have talked to pretty much everyone in my immediate circle and have gotten little to know support except from my few friends who have gone through this before. I am so grateful for them! However in the last year I have seen no less than ten of my friends become pregnant or have babies. This is something that has saddened me to no end. I am not yet comfortable with explaining my feelings of jealousy and remorse while at the same time being happy for my friends and family in their new baby joy! This is something that I have talked about to close family and friends and they just don't see the point.
"It takes time."
"You don't even know if anything is wrong with T."
"You should enjoy the free time you have now."
"Just relax."
I have heard all of these things and more in the past few months and each time I feel like I am going to explode. There is a certain sort of pain that just can't be explained when you see another negative pregnancy test after another long two week wait!
I know that counseling is in my immediate future but I wanted to join the awesome infertility community on the world wide web too. I am hoping that my blog will give people strength and insight on situations that may be new to them. I am also hoping to build relationships and learn from others while I continue to struggle on my journey.
A little about myself. I am a twenty eight year old full time nanny. I watch children from 6 months to 6 years. I have been doing this full time now for almost 5 years and I enjoy it immensely. My partner T is a Teacher. She enjoys her job as well. We have been together for nine years and have wanted children pretty much since day one of our relationship but just started in October of 2011.
T will be carrying the child. I suffered from PCOS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PCOS) and two years ago (after having my period for 6 months continuously) I had an Endometrial Ablation Procedure (http://women.webmd.com/endometrial-ablation-16200).
This now leaves me unable to carry a child. I am also still struggling with this.
As of right now T and I have inseminated 12 times at home with donor sperm and are now looking to meet with a midwife and have insemination's at the office. We will have our first insemination consultation on Wed. I am beyond nervous. Through this whole process I have learned more about medical issues and fertility drugs than I ever would have thought and we have barely even touched base. At the same time I am looking forward to taking the enormous weight of this whole process off of T and my shoulders. It has been incredibly difficult to wonder if we are doing anything wrong and I am looking forward to having someone to "report" to as it may be.
I hope you all feel comfortable to discuss this with me here. But I do ask if you are a friend in real life that you keep our discussion here or in private. We have not yet shared our journey with everyone.
Thank you so much!
