Don't get your hopes up.

My wife said the funniest/saddest thing to me last night.  As I was perusing P*interest I stopped and looked at a DIY crib sheet item. I started thinking how cool that would be to make sheets out of whatever fabric you wanted. T said to me, "I don't want you to get too planny planny,  just because we got a new donor and everything doesn't mean it's going to work this time. I don't want you to get your hopes up." When I write this it sounds snarky but really the way she said it was so sweet and kind to me. She really doesn't want me to be sad if this doesn't work again. I feel so bad for being sad sometimes because I know that it may overshadow her sadness as well. In our lives together it seems that there is only room for one of us to be sad at a time (and to be honest most of the time it's me). I know T is having a hard time dealing with her emotions and helping me manage mine on top of it must not help at all. I am hoping now that I am going to therapy it will take some of the burden off of her.

Another reason this was funny is because I have always been a planning/dreaming type. Before I met T I dreamed of falling in love. When I would make a wish in a pond or on a shooting star I always wished for someone to love me. I would have these pretend documentaries in my head where I would fall in love and have a wedding and live life happily ever after. On long drives I would imagine all the wonderful things that would happen once I fell in love.  And although my life is not perfect I truly believe that part of the reason T and I are so blessed is because I wished so HARD for it. I spoke it into existence to say the least. I have been doing this for the past year about our baby dreams and for a little bit that dripped off. I stopped speaking my wish for a child because I thought I was jinxing it. I want more than anything to go in my garage and look at the box of baby clothes but I feel if I do I will jinx any chance of a Baby to come. I realistically am aware that this is not how life works but a little part of me thinks just maybe. If I did it before...I can do it again. So I'm sorry wife but my hopes are already up.