Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Santa Didn't leave us an Extra Christmas Present

So we got another negative pregnancy test yesterday. I am in a funk about that. That’s all for now about that.

We did get some great news about our sperm donor’s semen analysis though. It came back off the charts so we are very excited about that. His numbers are so high that they don’t even need us to test him a second time without him abstaining. That’s a little money we get to put back in the baby account!

T and I are having dinner with a pregnant friend next week. This friend is very close to us and I have been terrible at supporting her since finding out news of her pregnancy.  She sent T and I a text with a picture of the pregnancy test and said, “Well this is happening…” T and I had just got a negative test the week before and I was a little bummed still. This was not a planned pregnancy for them but they very much were happy about it. I had a hard time adjusting to the idea. I have cancelled no less then 4 times on them since finding out the news. I haven’t even seen her since they found out they were expecting. I didn’t even know what she was naming the little baby until I found out on fb. I feel so bad for missing out on these special moments with a friend. She doesn’t know that T and I have been trying for the last 14 months so she has no idea why I’ve been pulling back from her. I am determined to not cancel on her this time and am looking forward to seeing her little belly. 

At my counseling appointment last week I discussed this with my counselor and she reassured me that my feelings were okay.  I think the reason counseling works for me is because I like to talk about my feelings and just get validation that what I am feeling is okay and that I’m not a terrible person. I hope to one day be able to provide this validation to myself.

T and I are also going to a baby shower this weekend to celebrate the baby of another one of our friends. We are so very happy for this couple and even made them a baby mobile for the little lady to come! This will be the first baby shower that I have been to since T and I started trying. My counselor recommended that T and I plan something for after the shower to avoid just going home and having a meltdown. I am taking T to a new restaurant for dinner. We use to go to new restaurants all the time and I have really missed doing that so both the shower and the dinner will make for a good Saturday.

At this point I am just tired and sad about not being pregnant this time. It’s a tricky situation because the pregnancy is not happening in T’s body but I feel this heartache as if It’s me that’s failing at this. I can’t explain the heartache that I feel and the feeling that something is missing in our lives. If I could be more supportive and make her life less stressful then maybe we’d have a baby. Or if I could not get so worked up about it then maybe…. Or If I could buy the right ovulation tests….or look up this information then maybe….  I really got my  hopes up this time  and was thinking about  how great it would have been to have  made a baby on Christmas. I  really want to enjoy the life that we have now (sleeping in on the weekends, staying in the house all day and sewing and reading, going to a late night movie, or trying out a new restaurant) but I want so bad to snuggle a little one and decorate a nursery and just be a mama.  I feel like I am living frozen in one place. Going day after day doing the same thing all the while waiting for something great to happen.


createdfamily.com said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry about the negative pregnancy test. That is so disappointing. I'm really relieved about your donor's results though! That sounds really promising. Hopefully you'll be sharing a BFP here soon!
The situation with K is so tough. It's hard because she doesn't know what you two are going through so she can't be extra sensitive, but I know that disclosing that info can be difficult too. I'll be thinking of you. I know how tricky it is to navigate those relationships. Your feelings are completely okay and valid! It is tough to watch other people have what you desperately want, especially when their pregnancies weren't planned. I hope that dinner does well. I'll be thinking of you two!
As for the shower, remember that you two have an out, even if at the last minute you decide you aren't up for it. A & I will understand that more than anyone. That said, he's making delicious caramels, macarons, and cupcakes, and the hostess seems to be preparing a good spread of food plus there will be mimosas so hopefully there are plenty of non-baby related things to look forward to. :) I look forward to the day when you two are having your shower! I have a feeling I know the theme already...

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